Gerald the Gnome (Dean)

I've got a friend who lives at the bottom of the garden
He's made out of plastic and we call him Gerald the Gnome
I've got a friend who lives at the bottom of the garden
Standing there just outside my home

I've got a girlfriend who lives at the bottom of my garden
Gerald came and stole her heart away
I've got a girlfriend who lives at the bottom of my garden
I love her more than I could ever say

Gonna take that gnome and chop him into pieces
Gonna take that gnome and throw him on the fire
I'm gonna take the boiling paste
Gonna smear it on my girlfriend's face
And leave her there tied up with piano-wire

My girlfriend says their love is made in heaven
Gerald says nothing 'cause he's just a garden gnome
My girlfriend says their love is made in heaven
But it's living hell to sit here all alone

It makes me sick to see that pair together
Gerald stealing kisses that are mine
It makes me sick to see that pair together
And I won't stand it for another line

Gonna take that gnome and chop him into pieces
Gonna take that gnome and throw him in the fire
Gonna take the boiling paste
I'm gonna smear it on my girlfriend's face
And leave her there tied up with piano-wire

Now there's no-one living at the bottom of my garden
My girlfriend's screams have almost died away
Now there's no-one living at the bottom of my garden
And I guess I've always wanted it that way

I'm glad I wrote this song about poor Gerald
I wish that I could sing it to my mummy
I'm glad I wrote this song about poor Gerald
But I shouldn't laugh, I'm only a wax-works dummy

Gonna take that gnome and chop him into pieces
Gonna take that gnome and throw him in the fire
Gonna take the boiling paste
I'm gonna smear it on my girlfriend's face
And leave her there tied up with piano-wire